Could I be Christian?

As I sat alone in an empty church, as I occasionally do, I thought that maybe I could adapt to Christianity. I've been drawn recently to the Jeffersonian Jesus that John Shelby Spong introduced me to (see earlier entry). This is a Jesus with no supernatural elements, but no less profoundly inspiring. I am inspired almost every day by the idea of a human who taught us to rise above our biological and tribal instincts to be more human. There is power in that, even if we never know what Jesus really said, and that it is only fairly likely that he even existed.

Perhaps this alone makes me Christian. But can I be a Christian who does not believe in god? I don't know. I could says I believe in a pantheistic god--the totality of the universe is divine, but not a distinct entity. But does that even mean anything? It certainly rejects the Christian god. And it is more of a judgment about the universe.

But I do have this certain spiritual sense of the divinity of all existence that stems from basic arguments about whether god exists. The believer asks, "If there is no god, then who created the universe." The atheist rejects this, because he'll ask who created god, and the theist's answer is that god always existed. But I wonder two things: 1) If something could have always existed, why can't that be the universe itself in some form? And 2) If the universe needs to be explained with the existence of a divine entity, perhaps it is the universe itself that is divine. The question of whether the universe could have always existed is above my pay grade, so to speak, but it still leaves open the idea the universe itself being divine. However, I can feel reverence for the very idea of the universe, but not consider it divine. That may be where I never really feel plugged into religion.

All this is philosophical thinking. Practical issues are more clear to me. The bible seems like a rough draft that people misguidedly take seriously. And some religious institutions are disgusting.

So, yeah, don't feel like I have a religious home in Christianity. I read someone thinking about this and asking, "Will I ever be whole?"